HELLO OLD CHAP 'SECURITY BIT'

Strict rules are in force to keep idiots out.

He's watching you please note:
NO GUARDIAN READERS ALLOWED. EXIT.
Yes, bugger off. The same goes for people from Milton Keynes GO AWAY.
If both of these apply to you, oh dear. GET HELP.

NO SMOKING ALLOWED. I do not want to develop lung cancer

If rules or your best china are broken, your computer will immediately inform me and your modem will turn to green liquid jelly with traces of American post cards. Oh yeah, and Mr Lowe- the security officer above, has your favourite teddy as insurance so behave until you're cleared to enter 'Hello Old Chap'.

I wish to regret that there are no regrets on this web site.

I regret that due to staffing problems, it will get dark outside a few minutes earlier tonight than it did last night. I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Well now down to business:-

If you can take the pressure of viewing a site which is created be someone who knows what 4+4 is,

If you have a sense of humour,

If your name begins with 7,

If you are getting fed up with this,

COME ON IN...

(Click on it you fool! And close the door behind you, AND wipe your feet- I do not want the contents of your garden pond over my carpet)

Good Luck!

Are you Normal for Norfolk?

The small print:

This site is best viewed with a computer, preferably turned on and submerged under water. If you are pregnant, suffer from a heart condition or wear a hat, it is advisable that you eat an ice cream now. To view the site, you must have a cow and pay an advance payment of several hundred pounds (sterling). All moneys will be placed in an unmarked brown envelope for collection by myself from the back ally behind the left bin. No kitchen rolls were harmed in the making of this website. Don't mention the war. No farting or drinking shoes. Lumberjacks welcome. Past performance may not represent future performance. Please don't do that. This site will not ruin your appetite- only 44 calories per page. Your milkman may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on him. Don't forget to feed the cat. Sorry, product not available. No unauthorised entry. Trespassers may be laughed at. VAT not included. Crispy Jim Bob.